Difficult to Conceive
October is “Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness” month.
Perhaps you know someone who has suffered a miscarriage, the loss of a full-term baby in utero, or an infant who is taken too soon.
Maybe this person is…
You.
You’re not alone.
My prayer is that you’ll find encouragement—offer encouragement to another—after hearing my dear friend Angela Mackey’s story.
And as another precious sister who experienced this pain of loss once said—
Grief—It’s just another word for love unending.
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“We have to go to the ER now…”
I breathed to my husband as I grabbed my lower left abdomen.
I knew this pain well, but last time it was on the other side. Though no medical test could prove it, I knew I was having another tubal pregnancy, and it was rupturing -
Just like last time.
After the loss of both of my tubal pregnancies I was surprised how heavy an empty womb could feel. The weight of barrenness in my womb that was supposed to be housing a baby made even the simplest tasks challenging.
There was grief over the loss of those babies and the loss of natural fertility.
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Never again would conceiving be fun or easy. It would involve doctors, needles, and artificial hormones. There were moral, ethical, spiritual concerns and all the grief.
How do you love a God who is able to give you the desires of your heart and isn’t?
I wrestled that question and others out with God.
“Why?”
“When?”
“How long?”
“It isn’t fair!”
“It hurts!”
“I just want a baby!”
“I do not understand.”
Yet my Wrestling Partner patiently embraced me as I railed, wept, and wondered.
And I discovered that God wanted me there, in that wrestling bear hug, half thankful He was near, and half lost in the pain.
He wanted me crying out to Him and working things out with Him, because that is where deep relationship and connection happen.
In that wrestling embrace I was close enough to hear God whisper truth, comfort, and at times correction in my ear. While I would never wish to be back in that place, I would never change it either.
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In the heavy emptiness of a barren womb…
God held me as I wrestled and kicked and cried. There I had the opportunity to really know His heart, to begin to believe that He was not wasting my pain, and to find the hope and strength to continue.
Are you experiencing loss, grief, or a dark season of the soul?
Cry out to God, wrestle with Him. There you will find rest, hope, encouragement and strength…for there you are in the everlasting arms of the Father who longs to comfort and guide…
The brokenhearted.
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For Further Study:
Genesis 32:22-32 (Jacob wrestles with God)
Psalm 34:18 (God is near the brokenhearted)
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (the God of all comfort comforts us so we can comfort others)
Lamentations 3:21-23 (This I bring to mind and therefore I have hope the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases)
Matthew 11:28-29 (come to be all who are weary and…)
2 Corinthians 4:17-18 (our afflictions are light and momentary and produce an eternal weight of glory)
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I would love to give away a copy of Angela Mackey’s poignant book Difficult to Conceive.
Just leave a comment here and tell us how this story spoke to you. I’ll ship a copy to your door (U.S. participants only, please.)
Angela Mackey is an author, speaker, and podcaster who encourages people to rethink their thinking in light of God’s Word that they may live transformed lives. She loves to find the joy in life even in the midst of difficult times. Her background in nursing and masters degree in biblical and theological studies lets her compassion and nerdiness shine in all she does. She lives in the Arkansas River Valley with her husband, three kids, and three dogs.
I had the wonderful privilege of being a guest on Angela’s podcast recently—to talk about my own grief with regard to infertility… how God used Psalm 37:4 to draw me close to His heart.
To listen to this episode of “Life As Worship,” click HERE!
To sign up for Angela’s newsletter “Rethinking My Thinking,” click HERE!
