How often do I fail to receive an answer simply because I first failed to read and then apply?

That’s the question I asked myself, having learned a valuable lesson at my computer the other day.

I sat tapping my desk impatiently, waiting for an email to come through, but after several seconds, still… nothing.

“What’s the hold up?” I inquired aloud.

The promised verification code I needed should have been sent–something the site I was logged into required before allowing me to proceed.

After one more minute, I returned to the website. That’s when I noticed, the bold green button–

CLICK FOR VERIFICATION CODE

Aha, so that’s why. I hadn’t clicked the button.

With a quick tap on green, I returned to my email, but before I could spell “verification,” the incoming email pinged, offering me the code, which I promptly keyed in to unlock the desired information.

And in that moment, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper–

“Like failing to read your Bible, then applying what it says.”

Ouch.

Now, in my defense, I am reading God’s Word, regularly, in fact. After all, there’s nothing quite like the New Year to spur many toward a Bible-reading plan, something I highly suggest.

But this hasn’t always been the case. Although I’d accepted Jesus as a young girl, was baptized as an adolescent, making my salvation public, I often failed to pour over the pages of my red-letter, soft leather NIV. This was especially so once I’d entered high school, discovering what I considered better uses of my time.

Truth is, my lack of spiritual nourishment contributed greatly to my journey away from Jesus, at least for a season, though I know without doubt He never left me.

Friends, it’s not the first time I’ve shared snippets of the story I’m about to tell–a story that still stirs a bit of shame, even though I know I’ve been forgiven, both by my Savior, as well as those I hurt–namely, my husband Bill.

With everything that’s happened recently, with the news of Christian writer and teacher Philip Yancey’s 8-year affair with a married woman, I feel the Lord’s nudge.

Because we know…

Sometimes truth hurts…

Still, I believe it brings healing, and that–yes, this–is my prayer.

*******

“Bill, I have a confession.” With the words, my throat seemed to close, and I struggled to catch my breath.

My young husband’s eyes were wide, concern etched upon his brow. “What… what is it?”

I took another deep breath and swallowed. “I’ve been emotionally involved with another man for…” How long had it been? “For… for a couple months now.”

Bill’s hand went to his forehead, and he leaned over, rubbing his temple with his thumb before pounding a clenched fist against the table. “Who? Who is he?”

I choked out the man’s name, though I knew Bill didn’t know him. Just a fellow student at our college, someone separated from his wife, their young daughter passed back and forth between them.

I’d been secretly interacting with him, though, that which had once brought a sick sense of satisfaction, had become a weight I could no longer bear. That’s when I confessed to Bill, the man I’d called husband–my Resolute Protector–for only two years.

But before sharing, I’d confessed my sin to the Lord–asking God to help me break free from what felt like bondage, my captivity due much in part to my own willfulness. Yes, a desire to feed the flesh.

Like Philip Yancey.

Like the woman with whom he’d had the extramarital affair.

And I can’t help but wonder. How did they carry on that way for so long? Look into the mirror each morning and know–the one staring back was a liar. A deceiver. Yes…

A deviant sinner.

Oh, but I do know, at least in part. The unbearable weight of it. The shame. But still, that sick satisfaction, though only for a season.

I recall at one point, yet in the midst of my transgression, asking God to give me a sign–something to point me in the right direction (as if God’s words on the page weren’t enough).

That’s when lyrics from a favorite (and timely) Steven Curtis Chapman song called “Waiting For Lightening” struck, as though God Himself sung them–

“Standing on the edge of the truth…
You can see you’re far away from home…

But the sign and the word
Have already been given
And now it’s by faith
That we must look, and we must listen
Instead of…

Waiting for lightening

Don’t wait.” **

Even in my immaturity, my selfishness, my insecurity–much of which was the catalyst for my sinful choices–I knew.

God’s Word was clear.

There was no need to look elsewhere for answers. For justification.

For verification.

*******

Today, it’s been more than three decades since that moment of confession.

That’s when a loving, gracious, merciful man honored his wedding vows, even though, in such a short time, his young wife had broken hers–to, above all others, keep Bill as her one and only.

And we are stronger. More committed.

Yes, though we’ve weathered other storms too. Not entirely from sinful choices, though there have been seasons of selfishness on both our parts. Rather, it’s the result of still living in a sin-filled, broken world.

• Infertility
• Death of dreams
• Death of loved ones
• Cancer and other sickness

And what have we personally learned? What serves to guide us, enabling us to press on, to persevere, when the enemy of this world would love nothing more than to utterly destroy godly union?

Because life is hard, and so is marriage.

But hard doesn’t mean impossible. It requires diligent work and commitment. Boundaries are needed–standards by which couples should live, some perhaps unique to them while others are likely common.

First, don’t let divorce be an easy option.

From a divorced family, Bill entered marriage fully intent on staying married–until death parts us. I recall a time long ago when he said to me in a heated moment–

“Divorce isn’t an option for me.”

It was then, I, too, had to decide. Is it an option for me? I determined then and there it wasn’t. So, we either needed to work toward happiness and contentment in our marriage or… be miserable. Plain, though not necessarily so simple. Again, because… marriage takes work.

Second, know ahead of time how you’ll respond in a situation.

Once more, Bill in his wisdom is the one who has emphasized this more times than can be counted, and it has made all the difference.

Everyone is faced with temptation–introduced to opportunities where we can linger longer with the eyes or with a touch of the hand, even with something as seemingly benign as a handshake.

More, today, there are ample ways to secretly converse with the opposite sex, whether via texting, emailing, or through social media. Often times, these “innocent talks” grow more intimate with each interaction.

Bill says–

“Enter a situation always knowing ahead of time how you’ll respond. And then, respond accordingly.”

This has become a valuable standard by which we live, as well as what we encourage of others with whom we share life.

Finally, guard your heart.

What does the Bible say?

Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it (Proverbs 4:23 NIV).

As the old familiar children’s song exhorts, Oh, be careful little eyes what you see… Oh, be careful little feet where you go…” we’d do well to also add–

Oh, be careful little hearts what you choose.

Our choices–that which stems from the heart–affect our relationships, our occupations, and our ministries. And on and on.

Just look at what Philip Yancey’s choices, the outpouring of his heart, did to his–

• Relationships
• His occupation
• His ministry.

Joshua reminds us–

Choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve… But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord (24:15 NIV).

And what does “serve the Lord” mean? It means, at least in part, obedience to what His Word says, and regarding marriage and fidelity, the Bible clearly states–

 Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate (Mark 10:9 NIV).

No need to ask God for a clearer answer. No need for lightening to strike or thunder to roll. It’s right there–just like the green “Click for verification” button, which I failed to read and apply.

Understand. I am not here to pass judgment on Philip Yancey. He’s already confessed to His Savior, as well as to his wife and family. He’s stepped out of public ministry–from writing, speaking, and teaching. My heart understands the temptations with which he has struggled, having dipped my toe in those dangerous and destructive waters decades ago.

My desire here is only to share my experience–painful though it is–to hopefully help another. To encourage someone else who is perhaps tempted as I was, as Yancey was, as many, many others have been tempted.

Flee. From. Sin.

Run instead to Jesus–the lover of our souls. There, find the beauty, joy and peace–yes, satisfaction–He alone offers.

Despite being sinless, Jesus understands, having been Himself tempted in any manner that we, too, are tempted. And God’s Word promises–

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it (I Corinthians 10:13 NIV).

Personal Standards

With very few exceptions, I choose to:

• Have almost all female friends on social media.
• Say no to having coffee or lunch one-on-one with a man.
• Decline riding in vehicles with only men, unless my husband is with me.

These standards may seem extreme to some, but they are my safeguard. After all, I don’t want to give the enemy who seeks whom he may devour even a pinkie-hold, nor do I ever want to present myself in an unfaithful manner. Thus, I avoid even the appearance of evil.

How about you?

If married, do you and your spouse have standards by which you live–safeguards to protect your vows?

I’d like to know.

After all, seeing we aren’t alone helps us in our journeys, not to mention, we can pray for one another, encouraging one another.

Please share. I’d like to offer a gift to one participant–a copy of a book that has helped Bill and me better understand one another, a source of strength in our marriage.

Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages–The Secret to Love That Lasts, is a beautiful and insightful tool for couples, helping husbands and wives learn not only their own “love language” but also their significant other’s, that they might love each other better.

One person who enters a comment will be drawn on Wednesday, January 21, and I’ll ship this wonderful resource right to your door (U.S. residents only, please).

Father, we know there’s an enemy in this world who seeks to devour and destroy godly marriages. But we know the One who is greater than he who is in the world, and we ask for protection. We stand on Your promise–to provide a way out so that we can endure any temptation–yes, by the reading AND the application of Your Word. Oh, may it be so!

**”Waiting For Lightening” from Steven Curtis Chapman’s 1989 album, More To This Life.

(Most photos from Gettyimages.com)